In a month and 17 days G will be flying to the states for block leave.. then shortly after that is the dreaded Deployment... sighhhh:( I'm trying to not think about it honestly which is definitely not a good thing for when the day finally approaches us. I mean I should be excited that I'm about to see G again but those 2 weeks are going to fly by and then Deployment. I'm not ready for this.. but NO one ever is, even if you have a years notice. Guess it makes it even more worse that I'm going back and forth from Arkansas to Texas. I'm so mad and hurt that G decided to not go threw with command sponsorship. I was so ready to live as a family and have my own things. I don't belong in Texas nor Arkansas. G knows how hurt and angry I am at him.. it's actually caused some major fights with us because I just can't let it go. I have to wake up everyday where I don't want to be.. He made a very selfish decision doing this. I have so much on my mind with this Deployment coming up and G making the decesion to not have our family together before he leave.
I was as happy as I could be giving the circumstances, I wasn't as miserable in Texas as I was in Arkansas. But the Fires there were to much.. There was a fire around where I lived everyday and I had to live in fear of waiting for the police men to come to our door and tell us we needed to evacuate immedietly, I just couln't do it there. So I'm here in Arkansas once again.
I'm working out almost everyday and taking care of Little G. He's getting so big! I'm going to fill out an application and volunteer to work at the Ronald Mcdonald House.. where I stayed after I had Little G when he was in the Nicu. But everything I do, I just feel like i'm going threw the motions. I'm not happy here.. Probably because I can't let go of how G has done me. I'm to the point where I don't even want to talk to him most days.. Don't get me wrong I had an amazing time with him while I was in Germany but that doesn't take back what he's done. And reality hit hard when I came back here.
I was so excited to get out of Arkansas and finally have our own home and be a family.. and when he said he didn't want us to go to Germany because he wanted to leave there as soon as he got back from deployment.. it hurt. He lifted me up only to drop me down. I've put so much off in my life and put so much on hold that i've wanted to do, for him. I don't even know where to begin with to forgive him... I don't even know how to forgive him.